Let’s explore the energetic impact of parent separation on children. When parents separate and/or divorce, children of the relationship will often find themselves unwell or unbalanced in some way shortly before and/or after the separation, or frequently later in life. There is an assumption made that emotions have been suppressed rather than expressed. This blog post discusses the energetic impact of parent separation on children. It follows my last post on the treatment of former intimate partners.
https://www.peacefulpossibilities.ca/family-constellations-calgary-former-intimate-partners/
This unwellness is the child’s unconscious way of energetically loving their parents and ensuring their own wellbeing over the long-term. The unconscious mind of the child is attempting to ensure survival at all costs. The child will sacrifice him or herself for the greater good of the family system.
This unwellness might manifest itself as a physical, mental, spiritual, relational, psychological, intellectual, or financial symptom or condition. It may not seem apparent that the symptom is related to the separation. Take the time to listen to the messages and symptoms brought forward by the body of the child and their life patterns. You might be witnessing the energetic impact of parent separation on children.
Negative Energy Vibrations
Couples don’t separate without some emotional energy vibrating out to all those around them. Children can intuitively and energetically sense that their parent’s relationship is floundering long before a separation occurs, even if they are totally shocked at the conscious level when the actual event happens. They may become unwell in an attempt to keep mom and dad together. Their unconscious thought is that if mom and dad have a common project to work on together such as my health and wellbeing, maybe they will stay together. Many other children step energetically into their parent’s marriage in an attempt to hold the two of them together. This is an energetically dangerous place for any child to be regardless of whether the parents stay together or separate. The small one cannot carry the burdens of the big ones without suffering in some way. This is living in agency. They are ignoring their own wellbeing at the expense of the wellbeing of their parents.
https://www.peacefulpossibilities.ca/family-constellations-calgary-living-in-agency/
https://www.peacefulpossibilities.ca/stop-living-in-agency-family-constellations-calgary/
In many situations, the couple separates and they don’t tell the children anything. The children often assume they are the cause of the marital breakdown and they take on symptoms or challenges in self-blame, self-judgement, and/or self-punishment. This is an energetic impact of parent separation on children.
Disparaging the Other Parent
Each individual is 50% mother and 50% father and each individual is a blend of masculine and feminine energy. If your children hear or feel you put down their other parent in some way, the children may have difficulty accepting that rejected 50% aspect of themselves that is linked to the disparaged parent. If mom puts down dad, the child may have trouble integrating and connecting the masculine essence of who they are. If dad puts down mom, the child has trouble relating to the feminine aspect of whom they are inside. This creates inner conflict and rejection within the cells of the child’s body. Children become unwell in some way if they don’t feel totally free to fully take in the love of both mom and dad.
Unconscious Love and Loyalty
Let’s look deeper at the energetic impact of parent separation on children. Out of unconscious loyalty, children love their parents regardless of whether the parents do a good job or not. This is frequently witnessed when children still cling to a parent that abuses them. If a child feels forced to reject a parent, they may energetically reject and/or merge with the parent who is forcing them to reject the other parent. Merging commonly happens when the child energetically aligns with the parent they live with most of the time who seems responsible for their survival.
When the child hears or feels one parent put down the other parent, the child may unconsciously become energetically entangled with the rejected or denigrated parent. Both situations are possible and common. This is done unconsciously and subversively as a way of showing their love and loyalty. “I can’t show you my love in real life so I will be just like you in some way. I will take on your characteristics and I’ll struggle just the way you struggle in life. It is through my struggle that you will know I still love you.” Mom is depressed so the child becomes depressed to remain loyal to mom. Dad is a workaholic so the child becomes a workaholic to remain loyal to dad. Be alert to the energetic impact of parent separation on children. The symptoms may be very diverse.
Symptoms of Unwellness
To provide an example, if a couple separates, and mom puts down dad continually to the children or vice versa, one of the children, out of love and loyalty to the denigrated parent, may take on the least liked traits of the disparaged parent. A child that is forced to put down a parent or exclude them from their life will often feel empty inside. They might develop conditions such as depression. They might feel stuck and end up sitting on the fence, unable to move forward in life. The child may become a procrastinator, lack ambition, or put emotional distance between him or herself and one or both parents.
Symptoms of Rejection
The child may become physically ill with symptoms that show a rejection within the body such as an eating disorder. Eating disorders reflect an inability to take in nourishment or a rejection of life-giving nourishment in a healthy way. It shows a rejection of self. This includes emotional and spiritual nourishment. They can also reflect a need to control something when it feels like total chaos inside. This can manifest in situations where the parents constantly fight and reject one another. The child controls the parents through their eating disorder.
Other physical symptoms might impact the immune system, with the body rejecting some aspect of itself. Crohn’s disease, eating disorders, immune disorders, or any condition that creates a battle within the body or a rejection of an aspect of the body are common symptoms when the former partner is denigrated before, during, and after the relationship breaks up. These symptoms appear when the child feels they have to choose between the parents. With Crohn’s disease or any other intestinal or bowel condition, you might consider who was thrown away or treated like garbage or waste. Who was not respected and honoured? The child may be energetically entangled with the parent that is not respected.
If you can show respect for your former partner, the children of the union will fare energetically far better and be more balanced and healthy. Speak well of your former partner because they were instrumental in giving your children life. Let your children hear from you about the positive characteristics they share with the other parent, your former partner, so they can accept, rather than reject, that 50% portion of themselves. A child that rejects a portion of themselves will suffer or struggle in some way until healing work around the foundational issue is addressed. Take action when you suspect there is an energetic impact of your separation on your children. If you are an outsider to the situation, decide what you can do for the wellbeing of the child.
Take Responsibility
Here’s the tricky part! Systemically and energetically, the child needs to hear positive things spoken about the other parent by both their parents. You can change your own behaviour and attitudes. Since you can’t control the behaviour of your former partner, if they are putting you down to your child(ren), then by all means get the child counseling and seek help from others for yourself. Joining or remaining in a mudslinging match with your former partner is detrimental to your children. Maybe you have an emotional issue to work on yourself. Be open to that possibility. You chose this partner for a reason. What emotional issue were they to reflect back to you?
Build a Healthy Relationship With Your Former Partner
Your children need to hear about the positive qualities they share with each parent. If a couple separates in an emotionally intelligent manner, they will maintain a healthy relationship with the former partner. Some of you might be thinking this is a ridiculous thing to ask of separating couples, however, if you care at all about the wellbeing of your children you will do your best to remain amicable with your former partner. You will reframe at all costs from using your children to manipulate your former partner. You will remember that the wellbeing of your child(ren) is integrally involved with their ability to accept and fully take in the love of both mother and father.
Emotional intelligence means you will leave your relationship behind understanding why the two of you were meant to be together, even for a short time. What were you attracted to in your partner in the first place? What life lessons did you share together? There are no mistakes in life only opportunities to learn. If you fall right back into the same relationship pattern without taking the time to learn the lesson, then the learning opportunity has been wasted. However, the learning opportunity is never lost. It’s never too late to look back at the past. It’s never too late to show respect to your former intimate partner for the wellbeing of your children, any future relationship you might have, any future children, and any descendants in your family system.