As mentioned in Part 1 of this post, emotional wounds for men create life challenges that often reflect outstanding unresolved parental relationship issues from childhood. I mentioned that there are five central systemic family entanglements that may emerge and impact you for life. It’s important to remember that you can take steps to resolve these energetic entanglements with your parents or other family members, allowing you to embrace life fully. The last post discussed possible energetic entanglements a man might have with his mother. This post discusses the possible relationship entanglements a man might have with his father.
- Disconnection from father
- Merge with father
- Reject father
Son is Disconnected From Father
If father doesn’t remain with a man’s pregnant mother, if he later separates from mother, if he moves out of the family home, if he is away working a lot, if he is emotionally distant due to his own unresolved early childhood or family traumas, if he dies before the child is born or when the child is young, if the son is too close to mother, or any other significant dynamic, the son will suffer emotionally due to a disconnection from father. The son will have a difficult time accepting the 50% of father that is within himself. Emotional wounds for men ease with healing. Healing comes when the son turns toward his father and develops a healthy relationship. This is regardless of what father has done or not done, or whether father is alive or transitioned to the other side.
Son Merges With Father
If a son is disconnected from father in some way or he rejects father for some reason, he may manifest this distance, blame, or rejection through his own behaviours or relationships. The sensitive, innocent infant says, “Father, I won’t leave you alone in this feeling of rejection. I will share it with you.” Any time the child tries to share or carry the fate or burden of the parent, the child will suffer in some way physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or relationally. The son may share significant life dates, ages, or events with the father he first rejected and then merged with unconsciously. Again, emotional wounds for men can be eased with healing. Healing comes in passing these burdens back to father, knowing he is strong enough to carry them himself. The son needs to move forward into the future living his own fate. He needs to set up healthy life-giving boundaries with both of his parents and learn to take them both into his heart fully.
Son Rejects Father
Father’s role is to support mother, and if father diminishes mother in some way, the developing infant or young son energetically senses mother’s emotional distress. The son unconsciously and energetically merges with mother to help her carry her emotional burdens. This might manifest as a mommy’s boy. The son unconsciously says, “Mother, I know father is not good for you, so just let me know what it is you need and I’ll do it for you.” At that point the son loses his body-felt sense of wellness as he merges with mother, going into agency to help her. Being in agency is energy deadening for the son. The son attempts to step in energetically as his mother’s partner, and in so doing, he suffers in life. It’s always an energetically dangerous position for any child to step in to mediate or try to save his or her parent’s relationship. Un-wellness will follow the child in some way sooner or later in life.
At this point, the child energetically loses sight of father and also loses mother’s life-giving vitality and energetic essence. This is a significant cause of emotional wounds for men. It’s the parent’s role to give to the child not the other way around. In judging his father unfit to be his mother’s partner, the son rejects his father and also rejects the 50% of father within himself. This son will have a difficult time taking in life fully. He won’t be able to have it too good out of unconscious loyalty to father. The son unconsciously says to his father, “I can’t physically get close to you and so I’ll suffer in some way. In that suffering, I’ll maintain unconscious loyalty and love for you.” Hence, the son will have physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or relational difficulties or challenges and this will be his way of unconsciously loving his father. The son will feel guilty if he does do life better than father, unless he is able to feel his father’s blessing.
Son in Father’s Circle
A man is able to stand strong and successful when he is firmly turned toward his father’s circle of energy and he is able to feel the support of his long line of strong male ancestors. If a son rejects either mother or father, then when he attempts to find an intimate partner, he projects the negative quality or qualities of his rejected parent(s) onto the prospective partner. It doesn’t take long before the man starts to either push away from that partner, emotionally smother that partner with attention, or a combination of the two.
The son may also have life events occur that atone for consciously or unconsciously rejecting, blaming, or judging a parent. Healing for the son comes with letting go of blame or judgement of the parent, understanding that his father could only be the way he was given the family system he came from, and finding compassion for his father’s journey. The emotional wounds for men are many, but healing often comes with a return to father.
Catch Part 3 of this post where I discuss common energetic identifications men experience with other family system members.