Guest Blog: By Nadja Skazlić
(Nadja is a friend and colleague from Zagreb, Croatia who I met at the 2014 Systemic Constellations Intensive in Bernried, Germany in May. She works with individuals around the break up of relationships. Her webpage is http://www.nadja.hr/)
What if it isn’t the end? What if it is?
People give up on their marriages and relationships far too often and too quickly. They grow distant, they grow cold, and without ever truly getting to know one another. We have many layers that are unknown even to us. We don’t see and understand them in ourselves, let alone in others.
Some of our layers are very painful, and if our partner had known about them, everything might have been different.
It’s a shame more people don’t go to therapy. About thirty years ago, we began to see some rare people hang out fidgeting with unusual machines in places with awkward names – fitness centres – very strange indeed. Today, taking care of our bodies and our fitness is something so normal for the masses. I believe that very soon, emotional and mental wellbeing will finally get the attention it deserves. Until then, there will still be misunderstandings and relationship break-ups far too often, just because certain things are not visible on the surface.
An Example
Here is just one example that is painful, but not so rare. I recently talked to a young woman who broke off her relationship because her partner was pathologically jealous. One of the “confirmations” of his doubts was her reserved behaviours during physical contact. He was constantly pestering her, believing that she was “cold” because she wanted another man.
She never thought about anyone else, but she shares in the responsibility for the situation. She never told him that she was a victim of incest. She never told anyone. She has not even admitted to herself that she was a victim and that it was wrong, that it was unacceptable to treat a child that way. She suffered as a child because she had no choice. As most victims do, she idolized her abuser and assumed the blame. Out of that self-blame, she did not talk to others, and she continued the circle of abuse, only this time it was to herself. In her silence, she gave up on the relationship with her partner, which had the potential of healing both of them.
It isn’t easy to reveal such deep pain to anyone, especially if your own attitude towards the issue is not healthy. It cannot be healthy if you grew up emotionally blackmailed. When children are victims of hidden or open incest, until they start healing that wound, it is difficult to have healthy, fulfilling relationships with partners.
Work
When we look at the relationship example above, without knowing all the details, we might say that they have no chance of succeeding. We might think that it is normal for the man to mind being with a cold woman, that it is normal for the woman to mind being with a pathological possessive freak …. All clichés. If she had found the strength to open up her soul to him and tell him her story, maybe he would have had something to share with her as well. Who knows what life experiences had formed him emotionally. Who knows what would have happened if both of them had started healing their wounds through some type of self-work with the help of a therapist. They may have supported one another in love. He might have been more patient, compassionate and gentle, allowing healing for both of them to occur. She might have started healing herself and melting her own fears and defences, been able to give him confirmation of her love.
It is possible that they might not have succeeded, but what if they could have? They were unable to give one another a chance. Many relationships break up because nobody addresses the key issues. Maybe they scratch the surface, the expectations and hurts, but nobody becomes aware of the underlying destructive mechanisms.
“As long as this child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen… All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless.” Alice Miller, For Your Own Good
Life is not as simple as it seems at first glance, and there are many mechanisms, deep down, that shape us. Quite frequently we are not even aware of them. When you read about them like this they seem worse, exactly because we are not familiar with them. Once we start dealing with them, the image is shifted and completed by adding new insight. Facing them is not always pleasant, but neither is living an unaware, superficial life, what we are accustomed to experiencing. We expect that someone will come into our life and lighten it up solely by his or her existence. We expect them to light up our life like a thousand lights on a crystal chandelier. Perhaps they will, but unless we open the door for that person, our hearts will not be able to take the light inside.
The key to opening the door is in healing the fears and sorrows that we have to face, with love and compassion towards ourselves and our inner child. We need to cry them out, embrace them, and let go. Nobody else can do that for us. They simply cannot.
Responsibility for time
What I notice in most individuals who are stuck, as I was, is that they lack the sense of the value of time that is ahead of us. It will take some time to understand that, but after you do, things really start flowing, repairing themselves in all areas. There is a reason why you came into this world. You have certain talents and certain values you can share with others and in doing so find the meaning of your life. Those riches may be hidden beneath your despair and they may be waiting to be finally discovered. Perhaps you can teach others, or you have hands of gold. Maybe your touch invigorates every plant you lay your hand upon, or your cookies are a blessing to anyone who tries them. Perhaps you can shower a child with your love, a child you might care for while his or her mother is working, or perhaps you are an excellent manager who can help so many… perhaps….perhaps…that’s the beginning of the road to self-esteem. It’s the beginning of making a decent living and meeting new people, sharing your talents with them, and exchanging happiness. And you, filled with happiness and with an open heart, will turn on your own inner light and attract another bright light into your life. (If you stay desperate, you will attract someone who needs a desperate dependent partner).
Homework: What makes you most happy? Where is your soul at peace? What comes easily to you, and what makes you happy in that lightness? Think about your answers and imagine how to use them to make yourself and the world happy.