Through systemic family constellations, we gain insight around give and take to create healthy relationships. It’s through give and take in relationships that we have our needs and wants met. Give and take go hand in hand and we learn how to do both through our early relationship with mother. Within the family system, giving passes energetically from those who came first to those who came later. The grandparent can give to the parent and the parent can give to the child. The child is able to give back gratitude to the parent for what they receive but they can never fully balance the relationship with the parent through giving back in childhood.
As we shift into adulthood, the adult may become a parent and balance the energy of the family system by giving to their children. If the adult doesn’t have children they may care for an aging parent and bring give and take balance into the family system. Giving also passes energetically from the older siblings down the line to the younger siblings, but not in reverse.
Intimate Partner Relationship
Give and take becomes a major issue within intimate partnerships. The optimal amount to give in an intimate partnership is just a little bit more than the other partner gave to you. This helps to keep the relationship energetically just slightly off balance and in need of rebalancing. The other person in the relationship will hopefully respond in turn giving just a little bit more back, providing a back and forth balancing movement. In a healthy relationship, the person gives only what the other can comfortably receive energetically.
The same principles work for any hurt that is caused in a relationship. To balance the energetic impact when you are hurt in a relationship, you need to do something or require something in return that is just a little less than the original hurt. This will rebalance the relationship and maintain a healthy relationship. It is important to avoid creating a circular cycle of hurting one another. This will occur if the receiver of the original hurt lashes out in revenge to give back more hurt than was originally received. Then retaliation will occur in return continuing the destructive cycle.
When one partner always tends to hurt the other, this energetically and emotionally creates a deep wound and imbalance in the family system. When we say family systems marry family systems, this harmful dynamic mimics something in the greater family systems of each partner. One feels the energetic need to hurt based on an energetic entanglement with someone in their family system. The other feels the energetic need to be the target of the hurtfulness, which may point to an energetic entanglement in their family system. If this dynamic continues it destroys the relationship.
Giving Too Much
When the give and take is not somewhat balanced in a partner relationship, the one who gives too much will damage or destroy the relationship. This happens when one partner constantly gives more than the other person can emotionally receive. If we continually give without receiving from the other partner, we build up resentment inside. When we give too much we begin to feel superior, innocent, and entitled to receive. Many people give as a means of control in a relationship. The one who gives too much becomes like the parent, and the one who continually receives becomes like the child. This lack of balance is felt emotionally in the body of both partners.
The one who gives too much may temporarily feel relief in giving. There is a body-felt sense of releasing a burden in giving. They are trying to connect with their partner through releasing this burden. These inner feelings come from the early relationship with mother.
Not Giving Enough
When we continually take but we’re unable to give back in return, we are not fully able to hold onto what is given to us in a healthy, happy way. We begin to feel small in the relationship, we fail to thrive, and we feel weak in our role. Too much taking that is not balanced with giving may create a sense of being emotionally overwhelmed and there may be the need to push the partner away or put distance between you. The receiver may also feel the need to do something to hurt the giver. They may cheat on the partner who gives too much or do something else that ends the relationship.
The one with the energy of the child in the partnership feels the need to leave in order to grow up and mature. When they feel like the small one in the relationship they lose their self-esteem and self-respect and they feel the desire to leave in order to regain it.
For the constant taker two dynamics may result. The taker may not be able to easily receive and/or the taker may not be able to easily give. Receiving may be difficult if the person feels energetically depressed or sad. Giving might be difficult if the individual unconsciously gave too much to their mother in childhood. The unconscious energy and belief behind the actions of the taker would be, “This feels like the emotional neediness of my mother. I gave everything I had to my mother and I have nothing left to give to you.” This is energetically unhealthy in a relationship. Healing comes in giving these burdens that were taken on in childhood back to their rightful owner, which in these situations is mother.
Giving in Intimate Relationships
Bert Hellinger, thought to be the father of family constellations, says that 40% from a partner is thought to be enough. If you’re searching for more then that you will come away disappointed. For the rest of your emotional wellbeing, you will need to go out and find healing for yourself. Our intimate partners are meant to trigger us emotionally. The relationship is not meant to remain rosy forever and give and take plays a huge role in the wellness of the relationship. In finding a partner, we unconsciously look for someone who will either mirror back our own emotional wounds so we will acknowledge them or someone who triggers us emotionally and then may or may not provide us with the space to heal and grow from our childhood or ancestral emotional wounds.